Football is, is, she’s a cruel mistress. She’s, she’s more than a mistress. She’s a wife, she’s a mother, she’s a daughter, she’s and errant child. She’s a… she’s a… she can make you laugh, she make you cry. She can bring tears me eyes. She can bring blood to me shoulders. She can bring… She can bring the kettle to the boil. ‘Cause football is about nothing, unless it’s about something and what it is about… is football
Alan Latchley (Peter Cook)
Apparently, there’s something going on tomorrow involving some blokes kicking a ball about on a field , and it’s got a few people quite excited. Having grown up about a mile away from Elland Road Football Ground, it was naturally assumed that I would embrace Leeds United as my one true religion. I didn’t. Partly it was the unquestioned expectation that I would, but what really put me off was the violent stupidity of football hooliganism. Having taken such a contrarian position from an early age, I’m utterly immune to all the hysterical hype, unjustified hope and inevitable disappointment that comes with being a fan. Above is my 2009 painting ‘Half Time’, inspired by a Mogwai song, which stands as everything I need to say about the national game. The painting is for sale and you can find full details here.
While I’m on the subject, here’s Peter Cook’s epic performance (quoted above) on Clive Anderson Talks Back from the mid-1990’s. The Alan Latchley segment starts at the 10:45 mark and still makes me laugh all these years later. Compared to the utter bollocks spouted by today’s pundits’ it’s utterly profound.